How To Win the Spark of Optimus Prime (For DUMMIES!)
by Nemolover
Summary: A reference for the rest of us... Rated for language.
**Yeah, uum ... I have no idea what this is. It's just something I made one day for laughs, but in a way it's kind of a silly commentary on the personality of Optimus Prime. I decided to post it because I wanted to know if I was accurately capturing how he and the other Autobots are always stereotyped-, I mean 'portrayed'. If you feel differently then leave a review about how you think a character would respond to these actions.**

 **It's unfinished. I'll finish it eventually... or maybe not.  
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Hey there! Congratulations on acquiring this guide and congrats further still on having the balls to admit you're in love with Optimus Prime. You are not alone. Everyone is in love with Optimus Prime but most either don't know it or aren't ready to come out of the closet yet. This guide is broken up into **goals** (marked with **letters** ) that must be completed in order. These goals are further broken up into **numbered steps** which will help put you on the path to winning the affections of the pious and yet, oh so stoic, champion of Cybertron ... and Earth!

A) Make His Acquaintance

1) Once Transformers activity has been reported in your area, move towards the mayhem instead of away from it.

2) If the Transformers you spot when you reach ground zero are kicking, stepping on, or shooting humans, you are in the presence of Decepticons. Do not engage until the Autobots show up or YOU WILL DIE!

3) When Optimus and the Autobots arrive, feel free to approach any Decepticon (preferably one closest to Optimus) and start a fight. Don't worry; you will be saved.

4) After your rescue, you may be asked if you're alright, but even if you aren't asked make sure you ask Optimus _who/what they are._ He enjoys answering this question so it is guaranteed to get him to notice you. After his spiel about being 'autonomous' or whatever, tell him your name.

 **Note: The makers of this guide would like to apologize for putting you in harm's way but this is the only logical method for meeting Optimus. Just walking up to him and saying, _"Hello, my name is [insert lame human moniker]."_ will NOT work. If you are afraid of life-threatening scenarios then Optimus is not the quarry for you. Go fall in love with a human, you weenie.**

B) Join the Autobots!

1) Tell Optimus you want to join the Autobot cause. He will most likely say no because it's too dangerous or something like that. Say something like, _'This is my city and I want to do what I can to protect it.'_ It won't change his mind but Autobots find it endearing when humans say noble shit.

2) Keep following the Autobots as they tear Decepticon ass. Yes, you will be in danger since you are technically in a warzone, but the Autobots already know this and will be keeping an eye out for you. After saving your ass a few times, someone from the team may ask why you are continually risking your life. Even if you have no worthwhile skills or talents at all, lie and tell them you can be a valuable member of their team. Since they don't know you they will not know you are lying and because they are good guys and can't kill you to get you to stop following them, their only real option is to accept you since you would've already perished without their assistance.

3) Congratulations! You are now considered an _**Autobot Ally**_. Yes, it really is that simple to become one. You pretty much just annoy them (this works especially well if you are an irritating child).

4) As a human Autobot Ally you are pretty much just a talking pet since Optimus will not be giving you missions, sending you into combat, or anything. The most important thing to do is NEVER EVER get caught underfoot. One; because you will die, and two; you will be damaging the reputation of humans everywhere, especially if you lied and told them you weren't useless! Master the skill of knowing where your Cybertrionian comrades are at all times so you can stay out of their way.

C) Get to Know Them

1) Become genuinely interested in Cybertronian culture. You CANNOT fake it, Optimus will be able to tell. He is also very busy and even if he wasn't, he's not all that talkative anyway. You'll have to catch him between missions when he's studying something and ask about it then. He's quite proud of his history and will no doubt tell you all about his days as a data clerk in the halls of Iacon. However, after that expect him to revert back to typical one word/sentence answers. Keep asking him questions until he gets tired of it. You will know you're annoying him when he gets up to go do something else. That's fine, leave him alone for the rest of the day.

2) Now, go and ask all the other Autobots about Cybertron stuff. They will all have different opinions and stories based on what they did before the war started. Remember to smile and nod. While they will friendly, don't expect full disclosure from anyone. They still don't know you yet. Oh, and don't expect shit from Ratchet.

3) _**On sleeping over** **–**_ As an Autobot pet/ally you are welcome to spend the night at their base whenever you want, but DON'T do it. You will only be strengthening your image as a pet if you're hanging around 24/7. Go to your own home at night, after all, you want Optimus to miss you right?

4) The next day you will no doubt want to jump right back into your interrogation of the supreme commander, but don't. If you pay too much attention to Optimus you will draw the suspicions of all the Autobots and they may start to think you are after their leader in an attempt to take them down from the inside. So, start with the last bot you spoke to and work your way back to Prime. Ask a few questions about whatever they are currently doing and then ask if you can help. Most likely the answer will be no (unless speaking to Ratchet in which case the answer may be a crotchety version of 'hell no'. Instead of telling Ratchet to go screw himself, simply say something along the lines of _"There's no need to be rude."_ Because Ratchet is one of his oldest friends, Optimus will appreciate this later.) You probably won't get any positive response to your offer of assistance until you get to the lower ranking bots who are typically assigned boring stuff like scouting and curbside duty (ex: Bumblebee, Bulkhead, Smokescreen, etc.). They will be happy to have you tag along just to keep them from bashing their own CPUs in out of sheer boredom. Your little beginner 'mission' may take the rest of the day, whether it does or doesn't, start up the questions and offer of help where you left off and keep working your way back to Optimus.

5) It should be well over 24 hours since you last spoke to Optimus before you get back to him. Ask him how he is. This is important! Inquiring about someone's well-being is basic social etiquette, that and no one has probably asked him that since before the war. He's most likely used to only hearing variations of, "Holy shit! It's Optimus Prime! I'm your biggest fan!" and "Holy shit! It's Optimus Prime! Kill him!" In response to your inquiry, you'll no doubt get little more than, "I am well."

 **Note: Because the Autobots will frequently have to rush off to handle the Decepticon menace it could take a week or more to reach this point. In you spare time, practice something highly mentally engaging like Sudoku, chess, and crossword puzzles. Also, it'll take even longer if you have to go to work or school to pay bills and stuff. It's dangerous, but it may be worth the effort to try to lure Decepticons to your school and/or place of employment so those establishments can be destroyed in the subsequent battle when the Autobots come to save you. Just make sure you have them destroy the Dominion power plant and other utilities too if you want to keep your house. Yes, you won't have power but you can learn to live off the grid. It's an alien apocalypse for Heaven's sake, stop being such a pansy!**

6) Start asking him questions about what he's doing again but this time, interject with stories of what happened when you helped Bee, Bulkhead, and Smoky. Knowing that the others trusted you enough to let you assist them will encourage him to trust you more as well.

7) Ask if you can help him. If he's simply researching like usual, he will tell you there's nothing to help with. So, ask if you can research with him and when he agrees surprise him with all the knowledge of Cybertronian history and culture that you've gathered from the other Autobots (He WILL agree because he thinks humans taking the time to learn about other species is sexy but he'll NEVER admit to this because he doesn't even know he thinks that). Optimus is sure to be impressed by the depth of your interest and dedication. Feel free to spend the rest of the day with him.

D) Let Them Get to Know You (The Fake You That's Been Carefully Tailored to Attract Optimus)

 **Note: When it comes to getting the other Autobots to like you, you can still be yourself. Based on what you're into and how you conduct yourself some may like you more than others but they all WILL like you, even Ratchet. That's one of the perks of being an _Autobot Ally_ ; because they're so terribly outnumbered they can't afford to rebuff even one supporter, no matter how annoying they are. Try to reign in some of your more obnoxious behaviors though. If you act one way in front of the others and another in front of the chief, they will notice!**

1) The next day, do not return to the Autobot base! Stay away from them and do your own thing for about 3 days. Don't worry about them forgetting you. Their memories are perfect and they will remember every last pimple on your face. You may notice one of them lurking about your neighborhood once or twice, just ignore them. It's going to be very strange to them that you were coming around everyday and suddenly you've disappeared so they'll check in to make sure you aren't dead. During this 'you' time, make sure you practice plenty of Sudoku, chess, and crossword puzzles. You want to become a master at these. Also, start some daily physical conditioning. You will need it later.

2) When you finally return to them, completely ignore Optimus and hang with the friendlier bots. Ask what they did while you were away and tell them what you did. Ratchet may criticize your boring human days. If he does, Optimus will reprimand him for it. Feel free to laugh. In fact get it out of your system, as your days of laughing at the expense of others will soon be at an end (this is one of the behaviors he finds detestable). If you see Optimus in passing you can say _"hi"_ but that's it! Almost complete a crossword, saving the last clue. After disregarding him the whole day, casually approach Optimus in the evening and ask for his help solving the last clue. Your request should go like this; _"Optimus, what's a 'x'-letter word for [insert clue word or phrase]?"_ Give a couple of bad guesses to give him an idea of what you are asking for. Because he is wise and his vocabulary is expansive he will probably guess the correct answer right away. Thank him for his help, tell him he's the best, and go about your way. Only soliciting one answer from him will encourage him to help you with puzzles in the future because it wasn't terribly inconveniencing for him to do so.

3) Continue to only talk to him to have him answer a few crossword questions for a few days, increasing the number of clues you solicit from him by one per day (ex: first day – one, second day – two, third day – three, etc.). Because he has a wicked sharp computer brain, he will probably catch onto this pattern and when you approach him on the fourth day or so, he may even ask what 'four' clues you want him to solve. Play it off as a coincidence (even though you know it's not) and then drop the crosswords. It's time for something else.

4) The next day, almost complete a Sudoku puzzle and when you get a chance bring it to Optimus. **Keep in mind that they are fighting a war and these steps are to be executed during their 'free time' so whole days may pass between each step.** Patience is key, that and keeping yourself busy. Remember to do your daily physical conditioning. Tell Optimus about how Sudoku is played then ask for his help solving this one. Thinking it to be trivial human folly he'll probably tell you he's too busy right now. You can guilt trip him into helping you by saying something to the effect of, _"I know how busy you are, but if you don't want me around all you have to do is say so."_ Since he is considerate he will tell you that it is not true that he doesn't want you around and to prove it he'll most likely promise any of his free time that isn't already dedicated to the protection of humankind or the restoration of Cybertron to your Sudoku problems. That isn't going to be much! The main point is that he **promised** to … basically spend a very, very, VERY small portion of his time with you. Jackpot! ! !

5) It may be a few days before he comes back to help you with the puzzle but he WILL keep his promise. Being the highly intellectual type that he is, he'll no doubt find that he enjoys this type of thing. You must keep your Sudoku skill level very, very high to hold Optimus' interest because even the most challenging puzzle may only take him a few minutes to complete. He also enjoys debating and you can do this while he's working out your puzzle to slow him down and draw out how long it takes for him to finish it. Basically, pick a political topic and go to town, keeping in mind that your debate will only last as long as the time it takes him to finish your Sudoku request … at first that is. It has to be politics! Politics is familiar to him and is one of the few human subjects serious enough for him to want to offer counsel about.


End file.
